The signs as pop albums from 2024

The year the music slayed.

Dec 20, 2024

The past year was chaotic as hell for me, but there was one thing I could consistently count on: a steady supply of new tunes from my favorite pop girlies. It’s no exaggeration to say that music kept me going. And us pop fans were well and truly spoiled—we got new songs from all the GOATs, even, miraculously, Lady Gaga. (Obligatory brag that one of my besties produced and AD’d an interview with her for Rolling Stone? Wild.)

This post is both a tribute to the pop albums that defined 2024, and a gift to myself in a chapter of my writing career where I rarely get to queen out on the internet. Read for your Venus sign too. Or don’t. It’s not that deep.

Aries: GUTS (spilled), Olivia Rodrigo

You’ve got a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed vibe about you, which is probably how you get away with being so freaking feral. Yes, it is a bad idea, but you don’t care. You’re the perfect all-American bitch; making a big, reckless mistake is a canon event. And chances are, you already love this album because Olivia skews pop punk, and pop punk is your kryptonite.

Taurus: CRASH, Kehlani

You fuck. Kehlani, a noted Taurus, fucks. CRASH really fucks. Need a new soundtrack for your hedonistic exploits? Look no further. The point of the cake is just to eat it too.

Gemini: The Tortured Poets Department, Taylor Swift

Gemini to Gemini: I see you. You think you’re above Taylor Swift, but you’re not. You have a compulsive need to narrativize your life. You remember Tumblr’s heyday fondly (so fondly, in fact, that you get why Taylor would go for Matty Healy). Your Notes app is a dumping ground for your—say it with me—tortured poetry. You’re not Dylan Thomas, and I’m not Patti Smith, but we are modern idiots.

Cancer: COWBOY CARTER, Beyoncé

This country is…so screwed. You know this. You believe this. You still get misty-eyed whenever someone sings the national anthem live. Beyoncé isn’t your mother, but she is mother, and you did make your therapist listen to Protector as an entry point to talk about your mommy issues.

Honorable mention: The Secret of Us, Gracie Abrams

Leo: Brat, Charli XCX

You’re the main character, just like Brat was this year. Charli said, “I wanna dance to me when I get to the club,” and you felt seen. If you’re not gay royalty yourself, you’re gay royalty adjacent, Charli and Troye style. And if you didn’t get tickets to the SWEAT tour, you’re still upset about it. I won’t pity you, though. Sympathy is a knife or whatever.

Virgo: Charm, Clairo

This is a Clairo shade-free zone. It’s the instrumentation on Charm that really gets you: the polish, the subtle flair, the technical skill. She really cooked, you guys. Rest assured that you, too, are sexy to someone, neuroses and all.

Libra: Short n’ Sweet, Sabrina Carpenter

You leave quite an impression. People acknowledge your good looks, and they acknowledge your cleverness (just like our girl Sabrina—Jack Antonoff didn’t contribute a single lyric to Sharpest Tool, haven’t you heard?), but you don’t get nearly enough credit for your horniness. Keep flirting a little too close to the sun. It’s good for the soul.

Scorpio: HIT ME HARD AND SOFT, Billie Eilish

Billie is in her hey mamas era, and it’s a little cringe, but you’ve chosen to look past that because her new stuff slaps. This album hits all of your favorite notes: sad, horny, and sad-horny, with a side dish of gay yearning; emotionally, a complete and nutritious LUNCH. She served, and now you get to eat.

Honorable mention: Alligator Bites Never Heal, Doechii

Sagittarius: Big Ideas, Remi Wolf

You’re a hit at parties. Actually, you are the party. Your booming voice, big ideas, and vast lexicon of pop culture references may fool others, but you know the truth: you’re usually winging it. It’s part of your charm—that, and your perennial willingness to do it for the plot. Just you and the boys in a hotel lobby, baby.

Capricorn: Deeper Well, Kacey Musgraves

Like Kacey post-Saturn return, you’re the picture of discipline. A weed break? Try a drug-free life (just on weekdays, though—you’re ambitious, not boring). Fate is definitely a thing, but you’re ruled by Saturn, so you’d really like to have a word with the architect.

Aquarius: Imaginal Disk, Magdalena Bay

You’re not like other girls, except you’re exactly like other girls, just with slightly more eclectic taste in music. You love Spotify Wrapped day (or Apple Music wrapped day, if you’re a real freak) because that’s when you get to publicly flaunt how ~quirky~ you are. Magdalena Bay’s music hits when you’re sober, but it hits different when you’re on ketamine.

Honorable mention: Brat and it’s completely different but still Brat, Charli XCX

Pisces: Eternal Sunshine, Ariana Grande

You were holding space for the lyrics of Defying Gravity long before it became a meme. (Your biggest brag this year? You never doubted for a second that Ariana would slay as Glinda. Once a musical theatre girlie, always a musical theatre girlie.) Even your feelings have feelings, which is why you love Ari’s music. Take it from your queen herself, though: you really can’t be friends with your ex.

Honorable mention: Radical Optimism, Dua Lipa